Lining the pill bottles up on the edge of the desk she looked at them. Hesitating for only a second she opened one of the bottles and dumped the entire bottle into her hand. In a swift movement she stuffed all of them into her mouth. It took several swallows for her tog et them all down but she managed it. She knew that quantity of Xanax alone was enough to kill her but she wanted to be SURE this time, no mistakes, no bringer her back. The percidans came next then the Wellbutrin and Kolonipin.
Over 400 pills in all, enough for sure. She double checked the computer. The e-mails and PMs had been sent and the letter printed out. Those were the last details. Crawling into bed she lay on her back, making sure the big towels were under her. She grabbed the pocket knife from the headboard and opened it. In the low light the blade glistened and threw off a reflection on the wall. It had a primitive, hungry look to it, like half the jaw of some kind of deadly beast. Using the sharpened point, not the cerated blades at the back, she punctured the skin at the wrist and drew it up to her elbow. Blood immediately started to flow out of the long gaping wound but she did nothing to stop it. Instead she did the same to the other arm, leaving a large smear of red across her grey nightshirt. When she was done she dropped the knife onto the floor and lay there. It didn’t hurt at all, not even a small sting. Shutting her eyes she waited. Already that drugged, floaty feeling was enveloping her, starting to wash up from her limbs towards her chest. With her eyes shut the room started to slowly spin clockwise. Her limbs felt so heavy that she couldn’t have lifted them if she tried. Then came the peace she had longed for, sliding over her like a well worn soft blanket. She smiled softly and let her mind drift on the soft waves of the numbness coursing over it.
Like a rock skipped across the smooth surface of a lake her mind went back in time. Age 13, laying asleep on her stomach in bed. Suddenly the blanket easing down, her body exposed to the cool air. The smell of beer and tobacco as he straddled her. Rough fingers pushing aside her panties then the sharp pain as he pushed himself into her roughly, not caring how much it hurt. Eyes squeezed tightly shut, a few tears squeeze out at the corners, her mind screaming how fathers shouldn’t do this. Thrusting and plunging into her until a grunt and a groan comes from him. Without a word he leaves her like that. She curls into a ball around her pillow, trembling, unable to move. His stickiness trickling down her thighs, no energy to wipe it away. So dirty, so nasty, so unclean. What is wrong with me that makes Daddy do this?
Like the needle on a record player hitting a scratch another skip, forward this time. Fifteen years old, on all fours in his bed, weak and sick. So skinny, 65lbs. Shaking badly. Arm bent back up between her shoulder blades. Bruises on her face, arms, legs and ass already swelling. Welts and cuts on her back oozing blood. His fingers between her legs working their magic. Just at the point of orgasm he punches her in the ribs, breaking them. Pain mixed with pleasure. So confused. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. He says he loves me but why does he hurt me? He treats me better than dad. He takes care of me. Why does he hurt me if he loves me?
Thoughts fading in and out now, dull grey shapes then snaps back to color but so fuzzy now, so hard to think and focus. So much pain. I can’t go on. Everyone needs to understand that’s why I’ve done this. I hurt so bad that I can’t go on anymore. Life’s too hard.
The physical pain is so bad, nothing works for it. Day by day it grows worse. My limit is reached. I can stand no more, my suffering needs to end.
Two men in my life. I love them both. Opposite sides of the same coin they are. I didn’t want to love them but I couldn’t help myself. Don’t they understand that I am so damaged? That I am not worthy of anyone’s love? Bad, rotten, worthless, stupid, ignorant, trouble, idiot, that’s me, can’t they see that? Can’t they understand that I don’t deserve them? That I will do nothing but cause them pain and heartache. I’m not capable of giving them what they need.
Two men: each special in their own way. One so kind and gentle, sweet and loving. I didn’t deserve him. I will cause him the most pain. I’m so sorry for that, I hope he can understand. I was not meant to have nor deserve his love. I always so long for his touch, to be held but I couldn’t let him, hopefully by not letting him so close he won’t hurt so bad. Please understand.
The other, so handsome, so much like me. I tried to warn him away but he wouldn’t listen. He fell for me. I don’t think he realizes or understand how much he makes me hurt. Long absences and harsh words. More scars on a heart covered with them. But I couldn’t walk away from him, I love him so much that leaving wasn’t an option.
So much pain that I can no longer deal with. My limit had been reached. They both need to understand that.
I tried, really I did, but it wasn’t meant to be. After 25 years I cannot go on any longer. I have to go now. Heaven, I don’t believe in that and hell I have lived on earth, all I want is oblivion. A place free from pain. I so tried not to feel but I couldn’t make myself do it. This is the only way left for me.
The blood stopped flowing so freely and her skin has become an almost luminescent alabaster. Her brain can no longer function and quietly shuts down. A small gasp of air and a single fluttering heartbeat and she is gone, a small soft smile on her lips. For her the pain finally ends. This time she finally got it right. For her there was no malice in the act, no childish “you’ll be sorry now”, only the usual selfish reason, she felt she couldn’t go on. Despite all the people that cared for and about her she felt she couldn’t burden them with it. Hopeless and weary she could no longer see a light at the end of the black tunnel so she gave up. Giving up was all she had left, or so she thought. Thinking of the pain she would cause to those she left behind only made it worse. She said goodbye the best she could then slipped away to the oblivion she had craved for so long. We can only hope the ones she left behind understand and don’t blame themselves. They have to consider the pain she must have been in to do this, consider that before they place blame.
– The End –